Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ...your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ..neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf 's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
IN MY HAND I HOLD A BALL
In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same, Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry, I Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises A Thing Called Par, If I Can Hit It Straight And Far
To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Even Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls .. A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. I Almost feel like a hybrid.
1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.~ Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.~ George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.~ Jim Murray
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at ‘em.~ Kevin Costner
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.~ Brian Weis
9. Swing hard in case you hit it.~ Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus